* Rides off into the sunset *
* Rides back five minutes later because there weren’t snacks *
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In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
doctor: whats the problem?
me: my right leg is missing
doctor: no problemo
me:
doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg
me: my left leg is missing now
doctor: no problemo
He said, “I like talking to you because we’re intellectual equals,” and Reader, it took everything I had to quietly nod.
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
[At the police station]
Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning
Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe
Cop: okay what
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
Changed the office dress code from formal to smart-casual. Staff thought it’s because I want to be a hip, cool boss & make people feel more comfy. That’s not the reason. The reason is that we recently had our eleventh male employee getting his tie trapped in the shredder.
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao