Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace

Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.

Me: What are you doing?

Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!

Me:

Son: Hello fellow olds!

I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.

Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.

I had a race with a smart car today.

I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.

me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead

friend: it’s cool, we have a map

me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone

Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.

Guy walking in on me in the bathroom

Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.

wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*

Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.

Me: Please take my kids for a little bit

School: lol snow

Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible

My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.

If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other

Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.

tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?

me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha

1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.

My mom at 25: Married, one kid

Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking

Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.

I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.

There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity

*Crawls into bed exhausted

Bladder: knock knock

My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.

I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks

YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads

Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31

We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.

Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…

John Mayer first drafts.

temp agency: can you do retail

lizard: yes

*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”

My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”