So I’m just supposed to know that you can’t eat the outside of the pineapple, like I’m some sort of scientist
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Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.
If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
my 92 year old grandmother during my birthday lunch: you know who I think is very handsome? that murderer boy
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
“What’s wrong with you?”
Me: the same things that are always wrong with me…were you expecting something new?
Me: We spend a lot of time together.
Her: Turn left.
Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.
Her: Arriving at destination.
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man