So I’m just supposed to know that you can’t eat the outside of the pineapple, like I’m some sort of scientist
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Having to choose between an old guy or a convicted felon is a perfect depiction of what dating apps are Iike
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.
I asked him how much they were.
He said “It’s five pound a strip”
I said “Do I get to choose the music?”
Just looked at me then walked off 🤣
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
Teacher: what are 2, 4, 6, and 8?
Steven: even numbers
Stephen: ephen numbers
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
I left my lunch on my counter. I work an hour away from home. More upsetting than any breakup. Doodling a turkey sandwich in my notebook. What could’ve been.
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.