The closest I’ve been to a diet this year is erasing food searches from my browser history.
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I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
Did you hear about the man who was using apples and oranges for flooring?
He started to lay them down when he realized it was fruit-tile
#LunchPun
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
I would probably have too much fun as a mortician asking customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking” as opposed to “Cremation” or “Burial”.
customer: your darkest roast please
barista: god created amnesia bc of you
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
Get in loser, we’re going overthinking
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
just once id like to see people talking about a murder victim in an average way. like yeah tony always hated going food shopping. decent guy tho