Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Follow people around the park while carrying 10 rubber chickens. There’s no law that says you can’t.

I’m ready for Halloween this year

These infographics don’t work on me because my takeaway is always that 17 donuts isn’t as bad as I thought

My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married

My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.

She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here

She does not

Her: “Is that you in your avi?”

Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”

This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.

me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public

waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud

were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal

Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in

Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.

*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.

For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.

There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given

I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.

After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “

Dr: He has a lot of blockage

“So my Dad has a bad heart?”

Dr: He also donates to charity

“So he has a good heart?”

Dr: Ya, it evens out

I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog

I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.

Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.

I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.

When the stylist spins you back around

Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!

Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed

Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid

Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.

Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function

Note to self:

When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”

When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.

[morning after getting drunk]

age 23: did i make out with that guy

age 36: did i wash my face

Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?

Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –

Son: Mom!