The closest I’ve been to a diet this year is erasing food searches from my browser history.
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We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
Hmm 🧐
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
584.
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?
starting a garage orchestra
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
“We will wed,” I threatened
*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*
My 6-year-old had to review the life of Abraham Lincoln, saw the drawing on the bottom right of this worksheet & asked, “How did he become so giant?” The drawing is of the Lincoln Memorial, proving that he’s as terrible a listener as I was in history class
I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*