The Roomba vacuum cleaner just beat me to a piece of popcorn I dropped on the floor & this is how the war against the machines begins.
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making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
Exercise won’t cure your depression, but it will make you hotter than your ex. Which is sort of the same thing.
When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
i am at my thanksgiving table observing personality disorders that have not been identified yet
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
This made me chuckle cuz mood
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
As a kid I was worried about randomly disappearing into the Bermuda Triangle forever.
As an adult I’m wondering how I can actually make that happen.
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:
Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.