The Roomba vacuum cleaner just beat me to a piece of popcorn I dropped on the floor & this is how the war against the machines begins.
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[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
Ion see the issue
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
I ate my exam paper. Which means that pretty soon I’ll pass the test.
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.
Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.