The Roomba vacuum cleaner just beat me to a piece of popcorn I dropped on the floor & this is how the war against the machines begins.
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When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
My doctor told me “good luck” and gave me finger guns so obviously I’m dying
Damn what did I do next
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
#Caturday
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*
5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
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according to every romcom i’ve ever seen, i should find love at the airport today . will keep all of you posted
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.
COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!