Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.

me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see

AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?

“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber

You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*

SICK’EM SPIKE!!!

[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]

A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.

I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.

Back to having zero haters, feels good.

An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.

[Shipwreck Diary]

Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time

Day 4: nope. I’m fine

Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.

The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.

No date on the calendar is going to bully me into staying awake past 8:30pm

Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.

🤣🤣💀

if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab

The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space

He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?

Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door

Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?

Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.

They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now

The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..

IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.

[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”

Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.

Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?

Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.

Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you

13yo: Unless you really want some hand!

I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?

15: I smell upsexy.

Me: What the hell is upsexy?

15: Not much. What’s up with you?

My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.

Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use

People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical