WAITER: Room for dessert?
[flashback to the room at home that hides all my desserts]
ME: [nervous laugh] Haha I don’t have one of those.
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I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
The Mission Impossible theme song plays as I try to have a balanced meal.
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
All these self driving vehicles..It’s only a matter of time that we hear a country song about his truck leaving him
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.