Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.

A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.

me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth

*immediately takes 2nd bite*

I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!

It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.

I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache

I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”

This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.

When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?

How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?

Men: 58

Women: 1

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.

Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.

My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.

if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk

Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed

My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape

I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.

kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl

she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.

[dollar store orientation]

trainer: and how much does this cost?

me: um, a dollar?

trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day

Hey that’s my circus! *does double take* And my monkeys!!

[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me

I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.

Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.

Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign

Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes

My job applications are getting rejections even before anyone interviews me so, instead of my resume I’m just going to submit a list of my greatest tweets and list my reply guys as references

Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?

[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy

If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.

My first day working as a consultant at Microsoft! All going extremely well apart from tripping over a cable. 99% sure I plugged it back in the right socket.

Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.