When one door closes, another one opens. And then closes. And then opens. It’s the fridge. It’s me in front of the fridge.
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With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
Establish dominance at work by telling your coworkers they look tired before they get a chance to say it to you
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
I duck my head when I drive into parking garages if you want to know what kind of superior intellect I have passed to my kids
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
Last night I watched a pirated movie. On a scale of 1-10 I’d have to give it 3.14159265359
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef
That’s enough internet for the day
My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
i hate when food packaging makes a big deal about “no msg” what if i want msg. did we all forget msg tastes good
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers