When one door closes, another one opens. And then closes. And then opens. It’s the fridge. It’s me in front of the fridge.
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Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
If it hurts you more than it hurts them then you are holding the taser wrong
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
Turducken – Noun – The act of avoiding monkey projectiles.
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
ME: It’s a vampire movie set in ancient Rome
PRODUCER: Keep talking
ME: called Vladiator
HIM: Get out
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.