“when people say different color bell peppers taste different”
[doctor nodding] I meant anything bothering you physically
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Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.
As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
Giving someone a tour of a company I don’t work at and describing every single employee as “our lion tamer”
omg leave her alone
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
If someone did a lot of murders but you don’t know who, have me go on a single date with every possible suspect and the person I like the most is 100% the killer.
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.