“when people say different color bell peppers taste different”
[doctor nodding] I meant anything bothering you physically
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There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor
*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.
[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
Happy Halloween 🎃
Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengersWife: what no
Me: I’m growing weaker
Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.