“when people say different color bell peppers taste different”
[doctor nodding] I meant anything bothering you physically
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COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”
[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
next time i open up to someone is during surgery