Will work for food. Except carrots. Also no beans or vegetables. Fruits also out. Also, anything “grainy.” Five Guys or In & Out is OK.
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Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.But like, scarily. Or whatever.
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
Seven wives and no alcohol?
No thanks Mormons.
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
Every reddit post is like “I’m sure this is totally normal, but my husband has cut off my head.”
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes