Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.

[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.

I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman

[concert]

lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?

me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!

So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.

4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.

Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]

Why was the picture sent to prison?

It was framed.

Play the long game? You mean Monopoly?

I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.

My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?

Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.

Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.

Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?

Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.

I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE

the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds

[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]

*extreme rat noises*

[street fight]

Come at me bro!!

*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles

*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away

her: the moon is so romantic tonight

me: how

the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey

me: h-[blushing] hey

Every time I start typing in “linkedin” on one of my browsers I just hit enter when it auto-fills and I always end up accidentally viewing the profile of some random person whose profile I once reviewed.

This guy is probably like “why is she so obsessed with me”

True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.

Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.

After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”

Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.

DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened

[Career Day]

Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.

Kids: *raise hands*

Me: I won’t be taking any questions.

Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate

Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.

I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.

GENIE: you have three wishes

ME: make math go away

GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house

ME: oh so I still get three wishes?

GENIE: huh?

me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?

moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.

Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?

I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns

Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit