Will work for food. Except carrots. Also no beans or vegetables. Fruits also out. Also, anything “grainy.” Five Guys or In & Out is OK.
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I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
This meeting could have been a cake
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
To whoever started playing Jumanji in 2016, please finish your game. This is getting out of hand.
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.