Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work

[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no

I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding… Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with
“Welcome back everyone”

It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it

I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.

My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”

It was a penguin.

IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.

men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore

live footage of daylight savings taking the sun away at 4pm

I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.

My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.

Imagine being the first person to do that trick where it looks like you’re pulling your thumb apart and then being burned at the stake.

Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.

Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.

Me two seconds later: Oh no!

something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination

Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.

KID 911: wats ur emergency

SON: cant find my shoes

KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?

SON: yes!

KID 911: then it is lost forever

Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.

here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve

sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?

Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.

This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.

my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily

Good dog. ❤️

I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.

Whenever I need a good laugh…

…I start reading suggested serving sizes.

I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me

Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.

BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.

NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?

BUZZ: Nope

*5 minutes silence*

BUZZ: OK, yep.