Winter is really just a 3 month long eating contest.
You Might Also Like
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back
[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legsAngel: whoa, intense
God: And and and give em knives for tongues!
Angel: That seems excessive
God: *sigh* Fine, forks
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
my mum slapped my neighbors wife and now I gotta fight her son man wtf i’m just tryna sleep
Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
Me and my best friend after eating very sour candy
