2 am hospital trips. That’s the Parenting life😩
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“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
Joseph Smith, 1833
spicy snake
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
if you’re a brand marketer and your client says “we should do a popup!”, sometimes it’s okay for you to say “no we should not”
[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
We have a tornado watch but all my neighbors are walking outside so will be a nice heads-up when I see them all fly past my window.
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
Sitting outside of a bar re-reading the Hinge profile of the dude I’m about to meet like I’m cramming for a test
g
a
r
d
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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
I see stand-up comedy as a stepping stone to television. A few more paid gigs and I’ll be able to afford a television.
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.
The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
woke up in the middle of the night to write this down
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.