2 am hospital trips. That’s the Parenting life😩
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Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
One venti cheeseburger please.
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
I kinda want a boyfriend but then where will I put my purse when I drive?
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
All-purpose flour out there like screw you single-use flours I can do anything
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.
Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.