2 am hospital trips. That’s the Parenting life😩
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Having to choose between an old guy or a convicted felon is a perfect depiction of what dating apps are Iike
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.
Two robbers were robbing a liquor store when one robber grabs a bottle and asks the other robber “is this whiskey?”
The other says “yeah but not as whiskey as wobbing a bank”.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
my uber driver sat in silence for 10 minutes, then put on exactly one maroon 5 song, then turned it off and we’re sitting in silence again. this is the most complicated relationship I’ve ever been in
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.