6: is that a mosquito bite on your face?
me: no it’s a zit, you might get them when you’re a teenager
6: but why do you have one you’re old?
me: the world is a cruel, cruel place
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I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
logging onto twitter…
Seek kebab; not attention
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
Already got one
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
My husband said “I wondered where you were,” as if I ever moved more than two feet from the buffet table.
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god