6yo: “When my play date gets here you and her mom can just go do ‘Mom Things’ like drink wine and talk about Girl Scout cookies, ok?”
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Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
No selfies while hijacking a train.
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows