As long as you sing to the tune of “You Are my Sunshine,” you can literally say anything you want to a baby. I just vented all my frustrations and she still fell asleep. Best therapy ever.
50 Funniest Tweets From Parents This Week
“Parenthood kinda feels like you got hit by a car and as you struggle to get up someone asks you for a snack”
Raising children can be a wild adventure. The brains of those irrational, madcap hooligans work in mysterious ways and there is no telling what they are up to next. So, what is left for a stressed-out 21st-century parent to do? Posting it on Twitter, of course!
The stories of being a modern-day parent have become some of the funniest and most relatable tweets. Here are a few of them.
Being a parent apparently means buying stuff in bulk.
the teacher asked my kindergartner what his favorite season was and he said “garlic salt”
Me: You wanna watch the baseball game with me?
Teen daughter: No. I don’t like baseball.
Me: I didn’t like Little Mermaid, but I watched it 1,387 times. Now, go get your hat and jersey on.
First rule of maintaining a healthy marriage while parenting an infant is nothing that’s said between 1:00am and 5:00am can be held against you
I used a period at the end of my sentence in a text and my 17yo asked me if I was mad.
Kids under 3 get in free to Disneyland which means you’re only charged admission to the park if your brain is capable of forming long term memories. By that token Disneyland should also be free if you’re blackout drunk
6yo: “When my play date gets here you and her mom can just go do ‘Mom Things’ like drink wine and talk about Girl Scout cookies, ok?”
“But chickens don’t have fingers,” my kid, ruining dinner.
My 8yo daughter is on a Yosemite Sam kick.
This morning, she saw me off by saying, “Have a good day, you no-good bushwhackin’ varmint!”
Me: What should you do if you see smoke?
6-year-old: Ask what you’re cooking.
One of y’all son’s has a crush on my daughter and gave her his glasses today. His prescription glasses that he cannot see without. Just like a boy doing anything to impress a girl. Giving up the gift of sight is crazy 😂😩
I think my 5 yo might be the second little pig because he has collected a whole house of sticks on the front porch.
My 4 year old is mad that the hands on our clock keep moving so I guess this is the age that existential dread kicks in
It’s amusing that my husband doesn’t want me touching his new MacBook Pro because he thinks I’ll drop it, but he’s totally cool with me picking up our kids.
My daughter told me I’m the strictest parent she knows (because she has a 10pm bedtime on a school day and isn’t allowed her phone overnight – she’s 14) – and I feel like I’m winning at life and taking it as a compliment 😊😊
We hit many milestones as parents. Personally, I’m looking forward to the “we no longer need and entire cabinet of sippy cups, tops and straws” phase.
My daughter’s s new favorite game is called “walk around the table together”. It’s about as exciting as you’re imagining
my kid’s doctor kit includes a stethoscope, an otoscope, a syringe, and like 9 dolphins
Well, I’m in the audience of a 6th grade orchestra concert, so technically I’m “fine,” but spiritually I’m on the edge of sanity.
so glad I’m not repeating my parents mistakes. but I am making a whole bunch of fun new ones
You think you’re going to have a pretty normal day and then your 5-year-old announces she only walks backwards now.
I feverishly cleaned my whole house today because I don’t want to be judged by a 7 year old that’s coming over for a playdate with my daughter.
Being a parent is just basically walking around the house saying, “Clean up this mess!” until everyone is crying.
6: is that a mosquito bite on your face?
me: no it’s a zit, you might get them when you’re a teenager
6: but why do you have one you’re old?
me: the world is a cruel, cruel place
I want support my children and encourage them to follow their dreams, but right now my 3yo’s dream seems to be to open every cupboard door in IKEA
Thrilled to announce that instead of saying “What are you doing?” my 2-year-old child goes around asking, in a tiny haunting voice, “What have you done?”
For having a 50% chance, my youngest kid gets her shoes on the wrong feet 100% of the time.
2 am hospital trips. That’s the Parenting life😩
Me as a new parent: what the fuck
Me as a seasoned parent: what the fuck
Has anyone successfully transferred a sleeping baby from a stroller to their crib? or y’all just put the whole stroller in the crib or what!? 😩 😩
Beware a child who has learned a joke or a magic trick.
My daughter told me she packed one of the “canteens” she found in the basement for overnight camp and we don’t own any canteens so I checked her bag just to see what she was talking about and pulled out a flask. She was almost the edgiest kid in the 10 y/o cabin.
Kids be like, We interrupt your sleep to bring you this important message: “My blanket fell off.”
My kid really doesn’t like being called a liar. Especially when he’s lying.
Pro parenting tip: only have spaghetti on bath nights 🍝😂
My daughter insisted her new preschool teacher’s name was Mr. Penis. We argued over it until one day we finally saw it in writing.
Ms. Derpanis. Her name was Ms. Derpanis.
I asked my 11 yo to help me write my vacation away message, and she suggested “I AM ON VACATION SO YOUR EMAIL WILL BE DELETED”
My teen just let me know he’s never speaking to me again. Strangely enough though, a blocked number keeps texting to ask what’s for dinner
You know you’re getting old when your kids start referring to every old person they know as “about your age”
Taking a vacation with family is like having major surgery; I’m going to need at least 2-3 weeks of recovery.
True story… 🙄 #parenting #parentlife
I told my mom I thought parenting got easier as the kids get older and she laughed so hard she cried a little
Parenthood kinda feels like you got hit by a car and as you struggle to get up someone asks you for a snack
My 2yo discovered pockets and is now competing with the squirrels to store more acorns before winter. I think he may win.
I introduced my kids to Ramen too early and they’re tired of eating it and now I have no idea how they’re going to survive in college.
How to know if your child is going to need a snack:
Are they awake?
My daughter gave me a tiny leaf as a present three days ago and now she wants to know where it is. Pray for me
My son was crying and asked, “why doesn’t the dog have to wear pants?” And it’s like, I don’t even know. So now I’m putting pants on a dog.