As long as you sing to the tune of “You Are my Sunshine,” you can literally say anything you want to a baby. I just vented all my frustrations and she still fell asleep. Best therapy ever.
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The fact that homeowners
associations exist is wild to me. You buy an entire house and some lady a couple doors down can tell you that you’re not allowed to display your antique frog statue and you have to pay a fine? insane.
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
What I say:
Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the carWhat my kids hear:
Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
ready to be harvested
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
if you’re a brand marketer and your client says “we should do a popup!”, sometimes it’s okay for you to say “no we should not”
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”