Being a parent apparently means buying stuff in bulk.
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me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
My brain is a bad influence on me
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?
You go home because it’s your favorite one being used
Math is easy
Self-cleaning conscience
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
Google Maps should start screaming the more wrong turns you make
My roommate is looking for a summer subletter and a dad responded on his nineteen year old son’s behalf.
He described his son as “very mature”.
Sir, if you are figuring out your adult son’s roommate situation for him, he is not “very mature”.