Being a parent is just basically walking around the house saying, “Clean up this mess!” until everyone is crying.
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If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
The waitstaff is making TikTok’s with my food at this restaurant I can see them doing it please I’m starving
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
Kay’s emergency department tape rule:
If a farmer shows up with electrical tape on something, it absolutely needs sutures.
If it’s duct tape, it needs surgery.
I know everything is expensive right now, but just remember correcting people’s grammar online is still free.
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
Of course I look tired, it’s hard pretending to be awake.
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!