Beware a child who has learned a joke or a magic trick.
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*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want