“But chickens don’t have fingers,” my kid, ruining dinner.
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*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
At least I can say I tried. I didn’t try, but I can say I did.
[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
Optician can tell from my eyes bleeding that I only just started flossing before the appointment
I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
Just got revenge on someone who wronged me 6 Years ago. Never be Relaxed ever. I’m coming
2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
i don’t really care how u met your partner. tell me about how you met your nemesis
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
It was the becestershire of times, it was the worcestershire of times.
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
taylor swift should write a song about people who don’t return their shopping carts to the corrals