First rule of maintaining a healthy marriage while parenting an infant is nothing that’s said between 1:00am and 5:00am can be held against you
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Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
Beatles: 🎶All you need is love🎶
Me: “And a million dollars.”
Beatles: 🎶All you need is love🎶
Me: “And a million dollars.”
Beatles: 🎶All you need is love, love🎶
Me: “Agree to disagree.”
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building