Has anyone successfully transferred a sleeping baby from a stroller to their crib? or y’all just put the whole stroller in the crib or what!? 😩 😩
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just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?
Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing
Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?
Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider
Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?
Me: No
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
A flock of dads is called a grill.
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
Fancy restaurants be like “This is technically toast, but we put fancy cheese and sprouts on it. That’ll be $30.”
I finally confronted the person that’s eating all my snacks at home, bro had the nerve to hide in the bathroom mirror.
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
Florida be like…
i wish we could shoplift online
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold my wife’s friend’s baby when they come over for dinner tonight.
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
We loved to call random numbers and say “I think your dog is on my porch.” If we got somebody who said “I don’t have a dog” then we would yell I DON’T HAVE A PORCH and hang up.