Has anyone successfully transferred a sleeping baby from a stroller to their crib? or y’all just put the whole stroller in the crib or what!? 😩 😩
You Might Also Like
Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
he looks great for his age
If I ever die on some hill, rest assured, something fishy is going on.
*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
I hate my earbuds.
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
Calling them “tricks” undermines everything I’m trying to do with the yo-yo.
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
what kind of cook setting is this??