How to know if your child is going to need a snack:
Are they awake?
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I’m not sorry.
I once sneezed so hard that I set every clock back two hours, and the Sky Marshall had a little talk with me once we landed
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
now is it just me or does this dress look like she’s making pasta from scratch.
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
The Punning Dead.
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please