I asked my 11 yo to help me write my vacation away message, and she suggested “I AM ON VACATION SO YOUR EMAIL WILL BE DELETED”
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I was going to buy Oasis tickets but I found out if I set my money on fire in the backyard instead, I won’t have to pay for parking
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?
(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
My granddaughter told me that her boss wanted her to sign up for a 401k but she told him that there was no way she could run that far.
Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.
4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”