I feverishly cleaned my whole house today because I don’t want to be judged by a 7 year old that’s coming over for a playdate with my daughter.
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Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.
Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”
Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork
Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
There’s a window in my living room that wasn’t there yesterday. No matter what time it is, when I look out, all I see is a vast and eternal night. Something gaunt and yellow-eyed comes by and peers in, occasionally tries to open the window. I’m gonna get it with the spray bottle.
“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.