I introduced my kids to Ramen too early and they’re tired of eating it and now I have no idea how they’re going to survive in college.
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Doctor’s visit today. They gave me a cute little light blue paper gown and I froze to death…
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
No laws when master is gone
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
there are 8 billion people in the world and i only have 3 friends and one is annoying.
[On a road trip]
Kids: Oooh a Waffle House! Can we eat there?!
Husband: Hard pass. I’ve seen y’all fight, and frankly, it’s not gonna cut it.
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”