I think my 5 yo might be the second little pig because he has collected a whole house of sticks on the front porch.
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I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
Most of those “my OF is just…” jokes are actually brilliant ideas I’d pay to see. Baking cookies topless? That sounds very entertaining
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
I’m calling the cops.
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
Ferrari squats
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
The two most popular things to do on the internet are argue about politics and looking at naked people
Million dollar website idea: combine both — naked people arguing about politics
Bike is short for Bichael.
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here