I want support my children and encourage them to follow their dreams, but right now my 3yo’s dream seems to be to open every cupboard door in IKEA
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My flabber has been gasted.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?
Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
me: i need directions please
stranger: you need to go north and –
me: left or right
stranger: it’s a little more complex than that
me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT
young sherlock holmes: that large clocktower is named big ben. therefore, when you ask “where is little ben,” you are referring to your watch — a miniature clock. a trick question, but one i will indulge. your wrist, madam
distraught mother: you were supposed to be watching him
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him