It’s amusing that my husband doesn’t want me touching his new MacBook Pro because he thinks I’ll drop it, but he’s totally cool with me picking up our kids.
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I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
I’m crying im so happy for them
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
guy: excuse me, can you jump my car
me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it
guy: no like-
me: *handing phone* take a video