Kids under 3 get in free to Disneyland which means you’re only charged admission to the park if your brain is capable of forming long term memories. By that token Disneyland should also be free if you’re blackout drunk
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When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”
Amazing how fast my addiction to my phone is cured the moment I get a phone call.
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.
Who remembers when Pixar had blooper reels in movies 🤣
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
Doctor: Hello. Thanks for being patient
Me: Hello. Thanks for being doctor
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
no refunds
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.