Me as a new parent: what the fuck
Me as a seasoned parent: what the fuck
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I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
Friday
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to
Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
Don’t tell me about your problems. I have to explain to my son why all of his baby teeth are in my nightstand.
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
Accidentally saying Yes I would like a receipt and having to wait half an hour while the kiln is heated and the tablet is fired
Uh oh 👀
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.
6 month old baby: ……..
It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
Remember when we used to jump out of the swings? Those knees were fresh.. fresh out the box
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you