Me: What should you do if you see smoke?
6-year-old: Ask what you’re cooking.
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Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
I wish people could jam like printers. Someone hands you a piece of paper & you could read half, throw it on the ground, stomp on it, pick it up, crumble it, straighten it back out, & then hand it back to them all mangled. For fun.
Called in, “If we’re living in a simulation, just simulate that I’m in the office today.”
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
them: if you could, what three words would you tell your younger self?
me: marry a chiropractor
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
These are so Plastic Man-core
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.