Me: You wanna watch the baseball game with me?
Teen daughter: No. I don’t like baseball.
Me: I didn’t like Little Mermaid, but I watched it 1,387 times. Now, go get your hat and jersey on.
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*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
meow
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
I have a question and my question is, how can I look so cute in the mirror but like such a baked potato in pictures?
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*