My 2yo discovered pockets and is now competing with the squirrels to store more acorns before winter. I think he may win.
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[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
I love when the IRS asks if I’ve lived in a state of emergency or disaster area in the tax year like every year hasn’t been a state of emergency or disaster area.
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease
professor x: tell me more, tell me more