My 8yo daughter is on a Yosemite Sam kick.
This morning, she saw me off by saying, “Have a good day, you no-good bushwhackin’ varmint!”
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I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
it’s so hard to see someone else living your dream
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.
Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
[Giving directions in America]
Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th
[Directions in England]
Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
Dolls on drugs