My daughter gave me a tiny leaf as a present three days ago and now she wants to know where it is. Pray for me
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After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s amore.
When you swim in the sea and an eel bites your knee, that’s a moray.
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
I’m trying to write.
My wife is pounding with a hammer in the garage.
I’m trying to write.
The dog is barking at the hammer noise.
I’m trying to write.
Kids next door are playing football and screaming “Omaha! Omaha!”, apparently their next big play.
…I’m trying to write.
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
[PRESS CONFERENCE]
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi