My daughter insisted her new preschool teacher’s name was Mr. Penis. We argued over it until one day we finally saw it in writing.
Ms. Derpanis. Her name was Ms. Derpanis.
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Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
One time in summer camp I asked the rabbi if it was kosher to eat ham flavored chips if they didn’t actually have any ham in the ingredients and that’s the kind of question that takes up 80% of the Talmud and it ends with two elderly throwing hands over it
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.
Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
thinking of starting a true crime podcast. gotta explain this search history somehow
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.
Me: *ransacks house looking*
*digs in garbage*
*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*
*forms 15 person search party*
*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*
11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.