My daughter told me I’m the strictest parent she knows (because she has a 10pm bedtime on a school day and isn’t allowed her phone overnight – she’s 14) – and I feel like I’m winning at life and taking it as a compliment 😊😊
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Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
I moved the karaoke machine from under my bed to the kitchen so I can sing along when cooking. It scares the dog and drives my daughter crazy so I’d say it’s a big hit.
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
Fave #ChuckleBrothers gags. Barry to Paul in their beds in the middle of the night:
‘What time is it?’
‘Dunno. Pass me that trombone & I’ll find out.’
*blows trombone loudly*
Someone shouts: ‘WHO’S THAT PLAYING THE TROMBONE AT 2AM?’
😃
Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities