My daughter told me she packed one of the “canteens” she found in the basement for overnight camp and we don’t own any canteens so I checked her bag just to see what she was talking about and pulled out a flask. She was almost the edgiest kid in the 10 y/o cabin.
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EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
Life Hack: Replace your cat’s litter box with an Amazon box. When it’s full just tape it up and put it on your doorstep so someone steals it
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
If you’re in an ambulance, you need to get yourself to a hospital right away.
Me: [Making an alarmingly bad decision after making a lot of good choices for a while] treat yourself
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.