My daughter’s s new favorite game is called “walk around the table together”. It’s about as exciting as you’re imagining
You Might Also Like
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
wow he looks just like him
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.
After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
Me: I’ll take 1 pound of slommy please.
Deli clerk: Um, do you mean salami?
Me (unable to admit when I’m wrong): You call yourself an Italian deli, and you don’t have slommy? Ridiculous.
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
favorite tropes as memes