My kid really doesn’t like being called a liar. Especially when he’s lying.
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Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.
Doctor: Hello. Thanks for being patient
Me: Hello. Thanks for being doctor
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
I was going to buy Oasis tickets but I found out if I set my money on fire in the backyard instead, I won’t have to pay for parking
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*
“Oh.”
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers